— Keeping the peace while in the trenches
— Weddings can be occasions of great joy and bonding, but can also sometimes be occasions of enormous stress and family conflict! Figuring out how much to help your daughter with her wedding is an important first step. Here are some tips for creating harmony with your daughter while helping her plan her wedding.
1. Ask your daughter how much help she wants from you.
Some girls like to be in charge and plan everything about their whole wedding on their own. Others would rather have their moms do it all. Most fall somewhere in between. The important thing is to find out what your daughter’s thoughts are, and be willing to help her just as much (or as little) as she wants. Keeping harmony in the family is a good idea during this important life transition!
I am the eldest of four daughters and the first to get married. When I got engaged, I was living in Florida teaching in school, but was getting married at home back in New York State in July. My mother did most of the planning and arranging. This was before the days of the internet and long distance phone calls were expensive. The wedding and reception were both at our church. I don’t remember making very many decisions, other than what colors I wanted. When I got home, I went along to look at cakes and flowers, but my mom set up all the appointments.
My next sister, when it was her turn, decided to have her wedding at her college town, partly because she wanted to do more of the planning herself, instead of having our mother getting so involved. My other two sisters had church weddings followed by receptions at a party house, lovingly coordinated by our dear mother.
I have helped my two daughters plan their weddings.
For the first daughter, we had six weeks to pull it off! She got engaged at Thanksgiving, then the wedding was on December 28th. She definitely wanted my help since she was trying to finish up her semester at graduate school, seven hours away from home. Although I had never planned a wedding before, I have coordinated many other events, so I took on the challenge with vigor. I pretty much set aside everything else, simplified Christmas as much as possible that year, and put all my spare time into planning the wedding.
My daughter and I did a lot of communicating through the internet and by phone the first few weeks. Then when she got home for winter break, we pulled out all the stops and worked together to coordinate the remaining details. There were some things my daughter had an opinion about, but most of the time, she trusted me to make the decisions for her since the time was short. We both knew we were on a tight budget and wanted to do things inexpensively, but still look nice. Being on the same page made making decisions easier. My daughter’s fiance had very few opinions about the wedding, and was fine with whatever decisions we made.
When my second daughter got engaged, five years later, she remembered how much I had helped her older sister, so she was hoping to get a similar amount of attention from me for her wedding. The situation was different, however, because they had a much longer engagement. The engagement happened in August of 2017 and the couple wanted a spring or early summer wedding. We couldn’t find a date that worked for them in 2018, so we ended up scheduling it in June of 2019, giving us almost two years to plan! Since we had more time, my daughter and I met once a month at first, then moved it up to once a week. Since she lived in town, it was convenient to get together. It was a nice bonding experience, since she had already moved out of the house.
So as you and your daughter begin to discuss wedding plans, be sure to ask her how much help she would like from you, and how often she would like to have planning meetings. Meetings are best in person, but if you live far apart, Skype or Facetime are great alternatives.
2. Be willing to let go of your expectations.
I was really hoping that my second daughter would have a shorter engagement. Since we had pulled off my first daughter’s wedding in six weeks, I was ready to go full speed into planning my second daughter’s wedding and get it done fast. However, her fiance wanted to be more involved in the wedding planning and did not want to feel rushed. It was hard for me to slow down and allow them the time they needed to make decisions together. I had to keep reminding myself that it was their wedding, and their choices, not mine. They got to make the final call on choosing the date, and I needed to adjust to their timetable.
I also had to let go of my expectations of the style of wedding. I would have preferred a church wedding, with special music, readings, and lighting a unity candle, similar to my own wedding. But my daughter and her fiance had different ideas, and wanted a very simple ceremony outside with no extras. Every bride is unique and every wedding is special. They don’t have to fit the mold of our expectations.
3. Be respectful of the groom’s voice.
As mothers, we might want to take charge of this wonderful, important event in our daughter’s life. But we need to remember that she is the bride, and therefore has a groom. He is an important part of the picture! Sometimes the groom is fine with not being involved, and gladly lets the bride and mom do all the planning. When my parents were planning their wedding, my dad told my mom, “Just tell me where and when to show up.” Even if your future son-in-law is minimally interested in the planning process, it’s a good idea to ask his opinion on many things, like the date, the location, his attendants, and his outfit, the overall plan for the day, etc.
Some grooms have very strong opinions and want to be involved in more of the details. This can be challenging for a mom who is anxious to move things forward, but has to wait for the groom to make a decision about something. Be respectful and patient. It’s just as much his wedding day as the bride’s.
My first daughter’s fiance was very laid back. She consulted him about the basics, but he deferred to her wishes about most of the wedding details. But then again, your daughter’s future husband might be very interested in helping design and shape the events of this big day.
My second daughter’s fiance was more interested in being part of the decision-making process, so things took more time and patience. I had to respect the time they need to work through some of the decisions together and let go of my desire to move things along according to my expectations.
4. Remember to include the mother of the groom.
In both my cases, the mother of the groom did not have any daughters of her own. She had only sons. So she did not have the same privilege of helping a daughter plan the wedding. Including her in things like visiting the venue or shopping for the dress are very nice gestures that may be appreciated. Some may not care, but the invitation is completely appropriate.
For our second daughter’s wedding, we invited the mother of the groom, who lived about an hour away, to have lunch with us one day and we went to visit the wedding site, which was at a lodge we were renting at a beautiful park on the lake. She really appreciated being able to see the location, and we had a chance to talk through all the logistics of the wedding day.
We were fortunate both times that the groom’s mom was very laid back. I’ve heard some stories about mothers of the groom who tried to plan the whole wedding. That could be very stressful and difficult to manage. Mothers on both sides need to know when to let go.
5. Take care of yourself to reduce stress.
Make sure to get enough sleep and reduce other stressors in your life while planning the wedding. The extra strain on your time and finances and having to make many decisions can take a toll on your body and emotions. Make sure you take time to give your own needs attention. Don’t neglect good nutrition and exercise during this busy time. You want to be at your best for your daughter, both during the planning time and on the wedding day.
I found that essential oils were particularly helpful in getting me through the second wedding. There were many emotional factors connected to this wedding that I would not have guessed five years before. Much drama had happened in our family that had to be processed and let go of in order to enjoy the wedding preparations. Using the essential oils from Young Living called Valor and Release were life-savers for me. Valor gave me the courage to move forward with my life, even though things were broken, and help my daughter plan for her new life with her fiance. Release oil helped me release the past, let go of my burdens, and give them over to God. I am so grateful that God brought essential oils into my life at the time I needed them.
If you find wedding planning to be a daunting task, feel free to consult my website, www.getoiling.com/kristenpeden, to get more information about essential oils and how they can support your health and well-being.
Conclusion
If you want planning the wedding to be just as joyous as the wedding day itself, then establishing a good working relationship with your daughter during the planning period is crucial. Asking what your daughter wants help with, respecting her wishes as well as the groom’s, and letting go of your expectations in the interest of creating harmony will make a huge difference in setting the stage for a successful event. And remember to take care of yourself during this time when you are spending so much time giving of yourself to others.
I hope this article has been helpful to you as you determine how much assistance to give your daughter in wedding planning. For tips on how to get started planning the big day with your daughter, see this post:
So your daughter is getting married, now what?
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